Dealing with capped internet: The five stages of grief
‘Why is this Youtube video loading so slowly? Am I capped?*’
This happens to me every month. Reflecting on the fact I actually have to ask myself this so frequently reminded me of the ‘five stages of grief’ that people who confront terrible ordeals or tragedies have to undergo (allegedly; see: wikipedia). Seeing as how my Internet gets capped a week or so into the month, I am constantly in a state of post-capped-traumatic-stress. Also, seeing as how I tend to overanalyse the minutiae of my everyday psychological experiences, I have applied this model of grief (a slightly altered one actually) to the realisation that, yes, I may be capped (I actually formulated this, like, an hour ago). Pls remember to cite me if you use this info in any upcoming dissertations or, er, other things.
- Denial - The first stage is denying you are capped. Using the Youtube scenario, this is when I would go “oh nah, my net is just acting up”, or, “something must be wrong with Youtube”, or, “oh it is because I am downloading something”, or, “the video must just be really big”, or, “this is the normal speed!” I also start opening up other websites or videos that I know load quickly or are cached, in some kind of doublethink-y, cognitively dissonantly, delusional, mindfucked, Internet addicted self-lie.
- Bargaining - I felt bargaining would be more appropriate here since it segues nicely from the last point.† Here, I begin to think of the issue of being ‘capped’ in a very vague, ill-defined way. In other words, I tell myself that being ‘capped’ just means slow Internet, so I start ‘bargaining’ with my Internet programs such as Transmission or IM or whatever - turning some off, throttling some, etc. - until I feel like (or at least, tell myself to feel like) the speed of the Internet is adequate.
- Anger - At this point I realise why ‘Anger’ came after ‘Denial’ - it doesn’t really work as a post-‘Bargaining’ emotional state. Anyway, here I go. So after your bargaining fails (as it should, since you’re bargaining with computer programs that know only logic, and are yet to know love and fear and Love and God), you start ragin’ at shit. Maybe you’ll yell at the 12gb hi-def Blu-Ray/3D porn you downloaded. Or your little brother for using it up (possibly uselessly downloading the same video). Or the Internet company for changing your download allowance without telling you (unlikely, but possible) or increasing the cost of your plan and making your Internet usage so valueless (likely) and your life so meaningless (definitely). However, one should always be aware at the futility of all of this: it is shifting responsibility from yourself to someone else. It is very very likely that you know that it was you who decimated your allowance, and not your little brother.
- Depression - So here is where you get all sad. This is when you understand that there will be no more Blu-Ray porn. No more stupid meme and/or hilariously cute and/or surprisingly informative Youtube videos at 3am at night. No more high-speed stalking of Facebook photos. No more frivolous downloading of shitty albums. Then you realise how dependent you are on these activities, how your life has become a mess of instant Internet-ing and vapid routine, and that the slowing of the Internet is by correlation the slowing down - and worsening of - your pathetic life. Here, you want to die…
- Acceptance - …until you accept that this is how the Internet works in Australia. Until you take it like a (wo)man and realise you can wait a few weeks. Until you accept that there are some people without the Internet. Until you accept that the Internet is full of crap anyway (though this may be ‘Bargaining’ to an extent). Until you realise that a lot of other people are suffering the same pain as you (perhaps not as noble; see: schadenfreude and ‘same boat syndrome’, you dicks). Only then can you attain peace. Or, the new month will have come around and you’ll be back on torrent sites causing legal havoc and celebrating by (probably not) watching the videos your friends told you to watch!
So there you have it, x amount of followers (where x is <50). I wrote this because I felt a momentary feeling of utter dread when I thought I was capped (again). I may actually be capped, in fact. I am probably in denial.
xoxo rafi
* For those who are unaware of this term, ‘capped’ refers to “when [your] internet usage is used up, and the speed of the internet is extremely slow.” (Urban Dictionary)
† By ‘segue’ I mean that the only way I could fit ‘Bargaining’ into this crap is if I distorted the definition of bargaining to such an extent that it seemed valid whilst remaining to mean nothing.
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exile-vilify reblogged this from delicatecutters and added:
Good article rafi,...your mailing list?
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